Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Reincarnation Illustrated

If you ever meet a Hare Krishna devotee pushing books on a street corner, this is the general picture you will get about karma and reincarnation, and the need to break free from the cycle of transmigration.


Here's  they forget to tell you when they are recruiting you into the ranks — until it's too late... Caveat emptor!


"I'm a tweet wittow biwd in a diwded cage; Tweety'th my name but I don't know my age. I don't have to wuwy and dat is dat; I'm tafe in hewe fwom dat ol' putty tat."

Tweety knows the deal, and this indeed becomes the natural position of a living entity in the Hare Krishna movement. Mind you, on this one I can really say that I've been there and done that!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Religious Leaders Condemn Bad Album Cover (DP)

Dissociated Press
Thursday, Feb 19, 2009
Maui, Hawaii

Following the bold portrayal of a former Hare Krishna devotee as Michael Jackson in a manipulated version of his 1987 album Bad, religious leaders the world over have condemned both the rancid illustration and the anonymous artist involved. Members of International Shiva Council based in Maui, Hawaii, have been rallying the island's popular beaches, handing out matchboxes and print-outs of the said illustration, modified to include the words "death to infidels".

Offending cover contrasted with other contemporary examples of alleged blasphemy.

Sources tell the artist has fled to Denmark and now lives in a burrow on the plains somewhere south of Copenhagen, now a participant in a high-level witness identity protection program of Danish Security Intelligence Service (DSIS). "It was like the Mohammed comic strip episode all over again, only ten times worse," said a representative for the Ministry of Interior, declining to comment on government involvement in the artist's protection.

A representative for International Shiva Council of Latter-day Michael Jacksons (SCLAMJA), a new religious organization who reveres Michael Jackson as the Supreme Personality of Godhead, compared this to the 1967 outrage caused by the cover of Axis: Bold as Love by Jimi Hendrix, in which the musician's face was superimposed to an old Hindu painting depicting the universal form of God. Readers who are not old hippies may also be reminded of the cover of Aerosmith's 1997 album Nine Lives, depicting Krishna dancing atop the many-hooded Kaliya-snake with his head replaced with a cat's.

Michael Jackson, currently visiting the Never-Never Land, was unavailable for comment. A press release from the artist's public relations office notes in a jovial tone that if Mr. Jackson is the Supreme Personality of Godhead, despite the fact that he really wants to be Peter Pan, then surely he wishes for all his little friends to be Supreme Personalities of Godhead too. Or in the now God's own words, "Why can't you share your bed? That's the most loving thing to do, to share your bed with someone." (DP)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Bottom Line: I'm Bad

Are you perhaps trying to prove something to yourself, not to others? Perhaps trying to convince yourself that you're not such a bad person after all? Satisfying your narcissist tendencies?

All of that and a bag of chips for sure! Dedicated to all anonymous internet commentators — the future is yours chaps, procreate and prosper!


Your Butt Is Mine
Gonna Take You Right
Just Show Your Face
In Broad Daylight
I'm Telling You
On How I Feel
Gonna Hurt Your Mind
Don't Shoot To Kill
Come On, Come On,
Lay It On Me All Right...

Because I'm Bad, I'm Bad - Come On
(Bad Bad - Really, Really Bad)
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad -You Know It
(Bad Bad - Really, Really Bad)
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad - Come On, You Know
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)
And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now
Just To Tell You Once Again,
Who's Bad . . .

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Eternal Loveboat Heaven

The History and Theology of the Eternal Loveboat Heaven
Publ. Church of Titanic, White Star City, April 15th 2912
For the millennium memorial year of The Great Sinking

The Great Sinking, leading to Jack's sacrifice of love and the opening of the Eternal Play.

The Eternal Loveboat Heaven was originally exposed to the broader public in the 1997 movie Titanic, directed by the great James Cameron; blessed be his soul. The narrative, dubbed "The Greatest Love Story of History" by the learned, has inspired devotees worldwide over the last millennium.

Titanic tells the story of Jack Dawson, the Eternal Lad, a young, handsome artist and adventurer of poor background, and his forbidden love, Rose DeWitt Bukater, the Eternal Lady, of aristocratic background, bound to an arranged marriage with a wealthy man she does not love in the least.

Lady Rose with lead antagonists, Mother and Fiancee, in the Historic Play.

The Historic Play

The story begins with Rose, this charming embodiment of love, asail on the greatest and most magnificent ship of all time towards a destiny she squints, a life of duty and bondage. She would much rather taste the joy and infinite possibilities of life alongside Jack, the most charming of all young lads she had met but mere hours ago, who prefers a life of adventure and excitement, and who during their brief acquaintance saved her life, talking her out of suicide.

As the journey over the infinite waters unfolds, Rose soon finds herself sneaking off for clandestine love journeys across the ship under the prying eyes of her mother and fiancee. They dine together with her family, feigning innocence, they gaze into the horizon, they make love on the back seat of a car the cargo compartment, they flee through the engine room from those who would forbid them, relishing their play of love.

The Evil Iceberg, breaker of ships and hearts, looming in the horizon.

A great tragedy is to come, however — Evil Iceberg would cringe its teeth, seeing lovers united past the sea. The ship, sailing full speed into the Iceberg, has five water-containing compartments breached and flooded, and the unsinkable begins to sink. Jack is framed for arrest by the jealous fiancee for robbery of Heart of the Ocean, the greatest of royal jewels, given to Rose by her wealthy husband-to-be, attempting to purchase his way into her heart.

As the ship begins to sink, Rose forsakes her place and family in the life boat, returning to Jack who is locked in the depths of the ship by the Fiancee's evil assistant. Risking her life in a desperate attempt to rescue her love, she fights her way to the depths of the flooding ship and back. The lovers join once again at the fore of the ship, the place of their first meeting, enrapt in kiss and embrace as inevitable doom looms in the horizon, Titanic now torn in two and sinking fast.

Artist's recreation of Jack's illustration of beloved Lady Rose wearing The Heart of the Ocean.

Both fallen in ice-cold water, Jack gives his life in a great sacrifice of pristine love, offering Rose a floating piece of ceiling they come across, and a possibility for life. Frozen and dead in water, Jack sinks to the depth of the oceans as Rose meets her rescue — but at what cost? Is life without Jack worth living for? And yet she had given him her sacred promise to never give up. In her ripe old age of over a hundred years, she still cherishes the memory of Jack in her heart's chamber of secrets, shared with but a chosen few, destined to a long life of painful separation from her eternal beloved.

Whosoever hears or remembers this sacred narration, the Historic Story, the greatest love story of all time, will soon have his heart filled with pristine love for Rose and Jack, his heart-disease of attraction for other narrations cured, and he is to meet Jack and Rose together again in The Eternal Loveboat Heaven.

Rose and Jack united in the Meeting Chamber of the Eternal Loveboat.

The Eternal Play

Its deep meaning unknown to all but the most devoted, the closing segment of the narrative offers us a glimpse into the Eternal Story, a timeless Titanic sailing forever and ever across the deep blue seas, Rose and Jack meeting again and again in their love adventures on the ship. On the eternal Titanic, the Fiancee and the Mother along with their companions are but shadows present not in flesh but as memories and life-like imaginations, so as to invoke the feeling of forbidden love. Especially, there is no Evil Iceberg in the Eternal Story to force the lovers apart.

In truth, none but those given fully into acting as a supportive player in the love drama may enter The Eternal Loveboat Heaven; for it is those, the supporting elements, that enhance and facilitate the union of the Eternal Lad and Lady, worthy of worship for all.

Jack and Rose enrapt in Dance of Bliss at their daily down below meeting.

Since the early years of the third millennium, ardent devotees have contemplated on the Eternal Play to return unto their Lad and Lady at the end of their lives, enrapt in contemplation of their daily deeds according to their own preference. In some, a special fondness awakens for being a member of the crew, while others share the ambition for joining the circle of Miss Molly Brown's attendants, and yet some long to be one of Jack's rowdy pals. There have even been movements in Eastern Europe and parts of the Grand Soviet Federation recruiting passengers into second and third class of the Eternal Loveboat.

Grand-Captain Dicaprius IV of Vatican, one of the leading early theologicians of the Church of Titanic, has established that regardless of individual inclination, all devotees aspiring to sail with our Eternal Lad and Lady shall drink of the same infinite ocean of spirit, for all are united in the service of Jack and Rose's eternal love. Who can fathom the beauty and depth of love, the pinnacle of touching beauty, so aptly embodied in the two? Who but the cruel'est of men could fail to be attracted to their service?

The Unsinkable Molly Brown, wise mother goddess of Eternal Loveboat Heaven.

And there is much service to be done throughout a day in the Eternal Play. The crew members are required when Lad and Lady storm through the engine room, and in particular when intruders need to be distracted from the cargo hall. The chéf and his entourage are instrumental in preparing the daily meals, the orchestra must be present at all but the most secret of trysts, and Miss Molly Brown's retinue is always available to give Rose guidance on matters of love after a lovers' quarrel.

This is how devotees remember the Eternal Play of their Lad and Lady, full of longing for their service on the Eternal Loveboat, sailing to the farther shore of the seven oceans of love. For testimonies on how the cosmic play of Rose and Jack has affected millions, be sure to tune in to The Eternal Loveboat Heaven. Thank you for your attention. Be sure to read the comments, too!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Hare Krishna Swami Loses Soul (DP)

Dissociated Press
January 17, 2009
Helsinki, Finland

In an unprecedented "Stay High Forever" temple music festival, Anatma Swami, a fired-up Hare Krishna preacher, lost grip of his wildly whirling monk partner and flew headlong into a larger-than-life copper
replica of the movement founder's lotus feet by an open window.

As the Swami failed to respond to conventional first aid, temple authorities alerted for resident witch doctor Shittiwawa Das, an Indian tantric adept and leading disciple of retired guru Bob Haripada, for help. At the conclusion of a fair fifteen minutes of exotic rattling, popping, muttering, whisking and bouncing, Das concluded the patient's soul had departed in the crash and required urgent re-insertion.

All resident devotees have patrolled downtown Helsinki since yesterday afternoon, the time of the incident, passing out pamphlets urging for the lost soul's founder to return the precious commodity to its rightful owner – in return for the Swami's abundant and perpetual blessings. Sources tell former guru Bob Haripada found his soul in the late 90's with the help of a female therapist.

The soul in question is described as bearing a strong resemblance to 1:10,000th fragment of a male Caucasian hair tip, following the verdict of an ancient Hindu philosophical text. One ten-thousandth part of an average Caucasian tip of hair measures at an average of 0,0075 µm. Temple authorities were not available for comment on distinguishing the Swami's soul from any number of other souls probably lost downtown Helsinki. (DP)