Power Mantras for Healing the World (C.M. Labs)

This is an offbeat prelude to the world of mantras. Stay tuned for an upcoming article studying the mechanics and effects of diverse mantras on the many layers of the human mind, studied parallel to computer CPU architecture for a clear point of reference and technical illustration.

∋ HH Imposter Kapila 1 ∈

Many meditative traditions know how to cook up new power mantras with archetypal vibrations revealing the true nature of reality. Authentic sages with original mountain powers are supremely eminent and certified mantra-formulators by virtue of their virtue of formulative ability. Sometimes the sages issue new mantras to remedy the downward course of the degraded human civilization.

The following global mantra-formulae are forged and guaranteed for beneficial public practice by Imposter Kapila 2.0 of Cosmic Mantra Laboratories with great inner sanctimony and pontifness. These self-effulgent mantras should be venerated with the highest transcendental spuriosity and awesomeness.

|| oṁ para-mana-tāraṇaṁ maraṇa-kāraṇaṁ paramaṁ soma-samaṁ ||

Global Seed Mantras for Universal Powers

Cosmic Mantra Laboratories of Himalayan juggernaut fame is proud to present the following seed mantras for the prevailing powers for healing the world. These mantras are presented as the result of years of relentless research and development in transmutating the very fabric of existence.

► उसों - Usommmmm... U.S.: We're all on the same planet here you know!
► एउओं - Euommmmm... EU: Oopsie daisie it goes: Euh, Om, and Amen!
► नोओं - Nooommm... North Korea: Noooo... hmmm... noooo... hmmm....
► फ्रों - Frommmmm... France: Finish with "...mage" to conclude the meal.
► सौहं - Soouhmmmm... Soviet Union: Sooo... uhmmmm...: "I am that"?
► रों - Rommmmm... Italy: Drinks for Vatican clergy and Berlusconi.
► उम्ं - Ummmmm... U.K.: Seriously, a fat and loud "Ummmmmm"!
► जपों - Japommmm... Japan: Lit. "Chant Om" and the robots roll on.
► इङ्म्ं - Imnmmmm... India: I'm Incredible Impossibly Impenetrable India.
► छां - Chammmm.... China: "Cham" is archaic for (Genghis) Khan.
► श्वींङ् - Swinnngggg... Sweden: Austin Powers special mojo mantra.
► फिं - Fimmmmm... Euro/Finland: Finnish Markka and less foreign bills!
► सुॐ - Suommmmm... Suomi/Finland: "Good Om" for good vibrations!
► ॐ - Ommmmmmm... Omni: Real cosmic deal beyond time and space.

Chanting these mantras will undoubtedly help the world powers in understanding their true inner nature and the necessary future course of action in creating a better and brighter world for everyone. Union-wide standardization of national mantras is expected to advance in the ongoing EU plenary session in Strasbourg, France. ॐ फ्रों फ्रोमगे हूं.

I-T-P: Incantate, Transmutate, Prosper. Chant for a better tomorrow!

Localization: Mantras in Research & Development

We did not include Denmark in the above list in fear of sounding derisive or apocalyptic. It would have been ► दं - Dammmmm... Goes with ► दूं - Dummmmm for Dutch, the other super-flat land in Europe that needs to keep Poseidon at bay. (Chant ► पों - Pommmmm for recurring economical low tide.) These mantras may or may not be authorized for general public chanting, pending further clinical and neuropathological trials.

Other mantras still in research and development:

► ब्रं - Brammmm... Brazil: Samba carneval shakti mantra.
► बुं - Bummmmm... Bulgaria: Still fixing up the finances.
► फ्लं - Flammmm... Belgium + Flemish: More fuel for the flames.
► गें - Gemmmmm... Germany: Cutting edge industrial productivity.
► हूं - Hummmmm... Hungary: Humming towards Europe again.
► जां - Jammmmm... Jamaica: The official Iron Lion Zion mantra.
► सं - Sammmmm... Sahara + Saudi-Arabia: For some more sand.
► स्पं - Spammmm... Spain + South America: Major global spam producers.
► स्फीं - Swimmmm... Switzerland: Floating in the stormy European ocean.
► तां - Tammmmm... Taleban: U.S. composed military taming mantra.

Of the above mantras in works, Brazilia, Jamaica and Switzerland are good to go public and global anytime. The positive effects of the rest are still under scrutiny in our underground cognitive laboratories. We care for the condition of your mind and issue our mantras in a spirit of global responsibility, respecting universal happiness, good environmental standards, and those who respect those, who respect these.

World Powers: Localized Root Invocation Mantras

In practice, the universal seed-mantras can be combined with appropriate local magic invocations like "Aaccchaacchaa", "Perkele", "Yeehaa" or "Bonkers" for enhancing a sense of tribal commonality. When combined, they result in the following root-mantras or exhaustive straight invocations for the prevailing state of affairs:

► उसों यीहा - Usommmmm Yeehaa! · U.S.
► एउओं स्तन्देर्ध्स - Euommmmm Standards! · EU
► नोओं सोङ्ग - Nooommmm Soong! · North Korea
► फ्रों चुएस्तशेकेसे - Frommmmm Qu'est-ce Que C'est? · France
► सौहं स्पसिबपेरेस्त्रोइक - Soouhmmmm Spasiba Perestroika? · Soviet Union
► रों चोसनोस्त्र दि मएस्त्रो - Rommmm Cosa Nostra Di Maestro? · Italy
► उम्ं बोन्केर्स - Ummmmmmm Bonkers! · U.K.
► जपों फुजिक्योतोबोत्सन - Japommmmm Fujikyotobot-san! · Japan
► इङ्म्ं आच्छाच्छा - Imnmmmmm Accchaacchaaa!? · India
► छां छिङ्गशङ्गगोङ्ग्फु - Chammmm Ching Shang Gongfu!! · China
► श्वींङ् हेजसन - Swinnnggggg Hejsan! · Sweden
► फिं वीदूनौत् कोमेन्त - Fimmmmm Vii Duu Nöt Komment. · Euro/Finland
► सुॐ सिसुकस पेर्केले - Suommmmm Sisukas Perkele! · Suomi/Finland

Cosmic Mantra Laboratories recommends using the short seed mantras as primary devices for personal and cosmic transformation. The short universal mantras leave a healthier universal imprint, free from the constraints of national peculiarities. They also clutter your environment with less tribal residue and prevent fires arising from the friction of juxtapositionally vibrating tribes with diverging fundamental invocations of exhaustive intent. Remember to chant your mantras diligently to keep the cosmos humming.

Lord Blogannatha Svami rewards diligent chanters with supreme happiness!

Relativist Revealed as Embodiment of Evil (DP)

Dissociated Press
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Dark Northern Forests

When rumors about the evil in the fundament of a Finnish freak thinker began to circulate in early October, few could guess just how on the mark the suspicions were. Sources have since confirmed the actuality of the allegations, fueled by a surprise discovery of incriminating photographic evidence on a perfectly peaceful Sunday afternoon. In the shocking photo below, he is seen measuring the sum total of the fibers of his being.

This shocking photo was taken by an unsuspecting amateur photographer,
who was studying the life of frog philosophers at the local village pond.

According to a U.S. based team of professional psychopathologists and forensic experts, this unsettling photo is undeniable proof of the presence of evil in his fundament. Suspicions of evil first began to rise with his obstinate unwillingness to accept any one point of view as absolute or clearly eminent, and the subsequent refusal to conduct himself according to rules and rituals derived thereof. His sympathy for Pyrrhonism, an early Greek cult of Satanistic thought, has since been confirmed.

Dubbed a cancer to be denounced vehemently by ideological professionals, his brand of thought advocates an ideology where nothing is certain, and everything is perpetually open to question. According to a spokesman of the Church of Absolute Truth, "The very thought of having no absolutes to comfort ourselves with is abhorrent, and a direct slap in the face of all organized religion and established ideology."

That notwithstanding, the former Hari Krishna Guru figure has garnered some support from audiences bent on decadence and moral turpitude, eager to legitimize their ambivalent approach to the very foundations of life and human society. According to sources, he is currently in hiding somewhere in the dark forests of the northern hemisphere, developing an underground laboratory with a team of quantum scientists to prove once and for all "that nothing is certain, and everything in a perpetual state of quantum uncertainty." (DP)