Ouroboros Eats Four Horsemen of Apocalypse (DP)

Dissociated Press
Friday, April 1st, 2011
Har Megiddo, East of West

In a shocking update from the apocalyptic fields in the Har Megiddo area, the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse riding between East and West have been swallowed by healthy cyclic intervention. According to eye-witnesses with two eyes open, four Ouroboreal creatures appeared out of thin air and out-flanked the destructive horsemen with ease. With an unprecedented display of strategic zig-zag manoeuvers, the riders of dominion and doom were herded into a controlled implosion of unnecessary opposites.

"Heated debates over essential triviality have sceptics and zealots divided. Yodhe Wavhe comments for heaven and earth, 'We're all just hoping for someone to wake up and get the point.'"

Sananda Karmaregius from Institute of Apocalyptic Cryptozoology (IAC) sheds light on the creature: "The rarely seen Ouroboros Continuitis has an uncanny ability to reconcile conflicting polarities. We're looking at an existential chameleon hiding in plain sight. Ouroboros are known to interrupt human-initiated apocalyptic cycles with uncanny harmonic stunts; apparently a recreative sport for the younger specimen." Ouroboros are famous for sleeping with their tails in their mouths, highlighting the reconciled duality of their base nature and lifestyle.

Attempts to place Ouroboros Continuitis on the evolutionary ladder have met with failure. IAC researchers struggle to catalog the creature in conventional terms: "When we place it on the evolutionary ladder, it just rolls straight off — sometimes up and sometimes down, following a cardinal pattern in an apparent attempt to communicate something. When we try to put it into our tree of species, it coils around and then swallows its tail and the tree along with it, short-circuiting all of our systems."

"Recent leaks suggest that Lion of Zion has broken covenants with heralds of imbalance, joining forces with the Ouroboros to advance a shared agenda of bilateral and quadlateral harmony."

U.S. AntIcon and Department of Offense have declared DEFCON 2 in face of an imminent Ouroboreal threat to all nations with imbalance between right and left, man and woman, black and white, religion and science, heart and intellect. Dire warnings were voiced by General Oswald Samael: "...and this agenda puts us straight in the line of fire. Our intelligence suggests that the Ouroboros are a dangerous group of terrorists who seek to systematically undermine our agendas dependent on strategic imbalance. If we bomb them, they redirect the blast to our tectonic plates. If we rain napalm on them, it flows straight into our volcanoes. These reptilians are scheming to build weapons of mass reconstruction and pose an unprecedented threat to our national in-security."

The abused and down-trodden the world around, finding hope with the re-emergence of Ouroboros Continuitis, have assembled for mass demonstrations against the generals of imbalance. Conspiracy theorists buzz about shadowy governments, whom they suspect as orchestrators for the reign of the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse. Dr. Raksuman Sageradian from University of Varanasi comments: "We have long held that the influence of the apocalyptic riders emerges as a distributed culmination of human awareness. When mental imbalance leads to systematic acts of imbalance, disturbed potentials emerge as a collective state of crisis. In that sense, the leaders of the world are responsible — but they share the blame with all those who choose to follow an unhealthy continuum of awareness."

While the popular opinion on Ouroboros Continuitis and other species of balance is fragmented, experts in the fields of apocalyptic justice containment and sociopsychological symbology are in consensus over the recent developments. A statement from the Macrocosm Apocalyptic Human Directors Institute empathically notes, "The reintroduction of Ouroboros Continuitis into the social ecosystem is a welcome addition that will improve the general quality of life and open new doors to freedom, balance and peace in the global arena. Essentially, it would fulfill the 'and justice for all' ideal we have long sought and long evaded.'" [+±-]

Wisdom Wheels: Cat Nirvana and Dog-Zen

At this point, readers are likely to be scratching their heads over the influx of texts with heavy wisdom polarity markup. Despite appearances, there's something fundamentally simple at the roots of wisdom. We can reflect on wisdom as abstract patterns, and we can observe it in practice across every spectrum of life and reality.

Until the Integral Human Life-cycle presentation is ready to boot, here's a primer to the basic polarities of life in the lives of our four-pawed furry friends. Cats and dogs have their eightfold paths in life as well!

≡ Nirvana in Balance: Solar Cat & Lunar Cat ≡

One is a Sun with a Moon in his heart and eyes, the other is a Moon with a Sun in her heart and eyes. Lunar Cat is here at day, Solar Cat comes here at night. Lunar Cat likes sweet better, Solar Cat likes salty better. Cats know the ways and means of approaching primal Balance and total Nirvana quite naturally. And what curious companions these two have become on the great purring journey in the wheel of life!

≡ Cat Nirvana Wisdom Wheel ≡

Here's how their basic cosmology and eight-fold operations map up. This is an application for a correlative and integral pair.

[∞0] Zero-One Singularity = Total Cat Nirvana
[±] Balance = Tao of Love: Sun Meets Moon
[+] Dynamis = Male Solar Cat
[-] Neutralis = Female Lunar Cat

[++] Big Picture = Solar Cat -> Roams Outdoors
[+-] Causality = Solar Cat -> Runs to Lunar Cat
[-+] Foresight = Lunar Cat -> Anticipates the Solar Cat
[--] Introspection = Lunar Cat -> Lounges at Home

[+++] Heaven = Power Cat -> Creating & Wondering
[++-] Lake = Wise Cat -> Contemplating & Scheming
[+-+] Fire = Eater-Hunter Cat -> Grasping & Consuming
[+--] Thunder = Romance Cat -> Excited & Playful
[-++] Wind = Wandering Cat -> Detached & Expansive
[-+-] Stream = Natural Cat -> Healthy & Flowing
[--+] Mountain = Commanding Cat -> Protects & Demands
[---] Earth = Home Cat -> Sleepy & Satisfied

Cats and dogs have few problems with balance, good time, and general relax in life. We humans on the other hand constantly struggle to find even a scent of balance lurking somewhere down the road. Confusion is our great evolutionary feat, imbalance the fruit of our mighty intellects. Cat-Nirvana and Dog-Zen guide us back to the essentials of life.

≡ Esoteric Dog-Zen Wisdom Wheel ≡

Our dog is really into food. Few know that he is actually an adherent of the esoteric Dog-Zen school of primal wisdom, knower of the great secret of balance and perennial peace of mind. Humans may study this art of peace and ecstasy to the tune of Bob Marley's "Hungry Mob is an Angry Mob" for attaining a more balanced vibrational level of life.

[∞0] Zero-One Singularity = Perennial Peace
[±] Balance = Eating-Belly-Full
[+] Dynamis = Drive of Hunger
[-] Neutralis = Fabric of Food

[++] Big Picture = Overall Aware
[+-] Causality = Searching
[+-] Foresight = Expecting
[--] Introspection = Sleeping

[+++] Heaven = Raving Ecstacy
[++-] Lake = Silently Wondering
[+-+] Fire = Eagerly Eating
[+--] Thunder = Barking at Strange People
[-++] Wind = Running Around the Fields
[-+-] Stream = Following Nicely
[--+] Mountain = Protecting the Revire
[---] Earth = Evacuating

The [+++] Heaven = Ecstacy is particularly evident in the seconds between seeing food en route and the manna falling from heaven to the bowl -- he generally jumps and spins around 3x times!!! I have never seen a Christian receive Eucharist or a Hindu receive Prasada (sacred food) with the level of enthusiasm he experiences twice a day over the same old dry pebbles. We stand to learn much from each and every sentient being!

The other polarity, [---] Earth = Evacuating, appears to be equally sacred to him. The spot for evacuation is carefully chosen -- after all, they are the after-effects of [±] Primal Balance and [+++] Raving Ecstasy. Any food is truly manna from heaven and the embodied essence of good life for him. Talk about enlightenment in the food-made sheath (annamaya-kosha) and the oral-anal field!

Whatever you have, use that wisely towards balance and peace. This is the simple but profound point in all of these models, whether traditional or experimental. The center of the wheel is peaceful; and only at the center can you make some sense of the colliding experiences that revolve around you. If you have your wheels oiled well and the polarities balance each other out, it's a smoother and more enjoyable ride for everyone involved.

Essentially, [++] All ![±] You ![-] Need is |[-] Peace and |[+] Love in [±] Balance!

Power Mantras for Healing the World (C.M. Labs)

This is an offbeat prelude to the world of mantras. Stay tuned for an upcoming article studying the mechanics and effects of diverse mantras on the many layers of the human mind, studied parallel to computer CPU architecture for a clear point of reference and technical illustration.

∋ HH Imposter Kapila 1 ∈

Many meditative traditions know how to cook up new power mantras with archetypal vibrations revealing the true nature of reality. Authentic sages with original mountain powers are supremely eminent and certified mantra-formulators by virtue of their virtue of formulative ability. Sometimes the sages issue new mantras to remedy the downward course of the degraded human civilization.

The following global mantra-formulae are forged and guaranteed for beneficial public practice by Imposter Kapila 2.0 of Cosmic Mantra Laboratories with great inner sanctimony and pontifness. These self-effulgent mantras should be venerated with the highest transcendental spuriosity and awesomeness.

|| oṁ para-mana-tāraṇaṁ maraṇa-kāraṇaṁ paramaṁ soma-samaṁ ||

Global Seed Mantras for Universal Powers

Cosmic Mantra Laboratories of Himalayan juggernaut fame is proud to present the following seed mantras for the prevailing powers for healing the world. These mantras are presented as the result of years of relentless research and development in transmutating the very fabric of existence.

► उसों - Usommmmm... U.S.: We're all on the same planet here you know!
► एउओं - Euommmmm... EU: Oopsie daisie it goes: Euh, Om, and Amen!
► नोओं - Nooommm... North Korea: Noooo... hmmm... noooo... hmmm....
► फ्रों - Frommmmm... France: Finish with "...mage" to conclude the meal.
► सौहं - Soouhmmmm... Soviet Union: Sooo... uhmmmm...: "I am that"?
► रों - Rommmmm... Italy: Drinks for Vatican clergy and Berlusconi.
► उम्ं - Ummmmm... U.K.: Seriously, a fat and loud "Ummmmmm"!
► जपों - Japommmm... Japan: Lit. "Chant Om" and the robots roll on.
► इङ्म्ं - Imnmmmm... India: I'm Incredible Impossibly Impenetrable India.
► छां - Chammmm.... China: "Cham" is archaic for (Genghis) Khan.
► श्वींङ् - Swinnngggg... Sweden: Austin Powers special mojo mantra.
► फिं - Fimmmmm... Euro/Finland: Finnish Markka and less foreign bills!
► सुॐ - Suommmmm... Suomi/Finland: "Good Om" for good vibrations!
► ॐ - Ommmmmmm... Omni: Real cosmic deal beyond time and space.

Chanting these mantras will undoubtedly help the world powers in understanding their true inner nature and the necessary future course of action in creating a better and brighter world for everyone. Union-wide standardization of national mantras is expected to advance in the ongoing EU plenary session in Strasbourg, France. ॐ फ्रों फ्रोमगे हूं.

I-T-P: Incantate, Transmutate, Prosper. Chant for a better tomorrow!

Localization: Mantras in Research & Development

We did not include Denmark in the above list in fear of sounding derisive or apocalyptic. It would have been ► दं - Dammmmm... Goes with ► दूं - Dummmmm for Dutch, the other super-flat land in Europe that needs to keep Poseidon at bay. (Chant ► पों - Pommmmm for recurring economical low tide.) These mantras may or may not be authorized for general public chanting, pending further clinical and neuropathological trials.

Other mantras still in research and development:

► ब्रं - Brammmm... Brazil: Samba carneval shakti mantra.
► बुं - Bummmmm... Bulgaria: Still fixing up the finances.
► फ्लं - Flammmm... Belgium + Flemish: More fuel for the flames.
► गें - Gemmmmm... Germany: Cutting edge industrial productivity.
► हूं - Hummmmm... Hungary: Humming towards Europe again.
► जां - Jammmmm... Jamaica: The official Iron Lion Zion mantra.
► सं - Sammmmm... Sahara + Saudi-Arabia: For some more sand.
► स्पं - Spammmm... Spain + South America: Major global spam producers.
► स्फीं - Swimmmm... Switzerland: Floating in the stormy European ocean.
► तां - Tammmmm... Taleban: U.S. composed military taming mantra.

Of the above mantras in works, Brazilia, Jamaica and Switzerland are good to go public and global anytime. The positive effects of the rest are still under scrutiny in our underground cognitive laboratories. We care for the condition of your mind and issue our mantras in a spirit of global responsibility, respecting universal happiness, good environmental standards, and those who respect those, who respect these.

World Powers: Localized Root Invocation Mantras

In practice, the universal seed-mantras can be combined with appropriate local magic invocations like "Aaccchaacchaa", "Perkele", "Yeehaa" or "Bonkers" for enhancing a sense of tribal commonality. When combined, they result in the following root-mantras or exhaustive straight invocations for the prevailing state of affairs:

► उसों यीहा - Usommmmm Yeehaa! · U.S.
► एउओं स्तन्देर्ध्स - Euommmmm Standards! · EU
► नोओं सोङ्ग - Nooommmm Soong! · North Korea
► फ्रों चुएस्तशेकेसे - Frommmmm Qu'est-ce Que C'est? · France
► सौहं स्पसिबपेरेस्त्रोइक - Soouhmmmm Spasiba Perestroika? · Soviet Union
► रों चोसनोस्त्र दि मएस्त्रो - Rommmm Cosa Nostra Di Maestro? · Italy
► उम्ं बोन्केर्स - Ummmmmmm Bonkers! · U.K.
► जपों फुजिक्योतोबोत्सन - Japommmmm Fujikyotobot-san! · Japan
► इङ्म्ं आच्छाच्छा - Imnmmmmm Accchaacchaaa!? · India
► छां छिङ्गशङ्गगोङ्ग्फु - Chammmm Ching Shang Gongfu!! · China
► श्वींङ् हेजसन - Swinnnggggg Hejsan! · Sweden
► फिं वीदूनौत् कोमेन्त - Fimmmmm Vii Duu Nöt Komment. · Euro/Finland
► सुॐ सिसुकस पेर्केले - Suommmmm Sisukas Perkele! · Suomi/Finland

Cosmic Mantra Laboratories recommends using the short seed mantras as primary devices for personal and cosmic transformation. The short universal mantras leave a healthier universal imprint, free from the constraints of national peculiarities. They also clutter your environment with less tribal residue and prevent fires arising from the friction of juxtapositionally vibrating tribes with diverging fundamental invocations of exhaustive intent. Remember to chant your mantras diligently to keep the cosmos humming.

Lord Blogannatha Svami rewards diligent chanters with supreme happiness!

Devil Votes on Skinhead Crystals with Susan and Senator

After recording and publishing another innocuous little tutorial for a CMS software I've created and worked on for the better part of the past two years, I returned to check out the automatic transcript Youtube had made. (You can see the video here.)

The man inside the machine at Youtube clearly has his share of issues to sort through, as he finds very definite political and sexual undertones in what I speak, and in no politically correct terms at that. Below is the complete transcript.

0:00:19.769,0:00:25.749
the reason is and voters election or recall
about building with older standard options

0:00:25.749,0:00:27.019
the simple

0:00:27.019,0:00:29.479
what they like to do it and then is create

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and houston asset business before a new design

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let's go to an impartial panel

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under site

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and schemes it's horrible

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setting specific tips and leads and scams
are

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crime figures

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if all we can do about

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let's looking own identity

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public as you know a result this all over

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one of the sample cases

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I'm sad place we changed the final commissions

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to seven seven seven

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all right to vote

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that is something that needs to be done only
in of systems to let the system

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let the sierras

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right in the mainstream

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under his skin skin and hair so photographs
of skinheads crystal

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I'm the ski mask is successfully created

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remember to talk to the excerpts

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and then

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she was your of skin

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I'm sorry

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amir new skin has been activities and it's
a default

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explain

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sure

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but with a reduced election

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no years

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something more we need to do

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because of %uh file permission issues

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spezza to endorse about bunching

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first richest state

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a quote the pulpit

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houston

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into our local all over

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let's include some won't

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you can see it

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I was

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a few hundred of them including the images
are being found year local DC-

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susan's over you'll be getting

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we want to make changes to the skin

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when you lose uphold files

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that's right

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there you go

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no we're trying to do the the direction

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just to show you

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that is actually not possible

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because up Russian whatsoever program owns
all falters views on this

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operations to

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change any of this

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over the SDP

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that's right we need an additional little
the waco fire to get over this

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issue that isn't specific to our city and
this isn't something that effects

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any CNN's or other but software that uses
a question to create finds holders existence

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obsessive love

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as you can see permission to night

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his music rooms uphold your changes

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as long as these issue here

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so we take the two recall final round

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open it up changed the password

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you can't own just quickly what's called on
home loans

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tightening the noose us for it

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what other you want to have them

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take your retirement up closer to ten place
called in

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actress in your browser

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looking

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and here you see all voters

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and that is that one we need to

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the moment just to be able to present the
permissions on to be able to exert ourselves

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all right judy

0:03:47.479,0:03:51.430
if your windows users on the window Senator
is that

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dozens of life

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anyway reiterated that so far and now we're
just applauded from our local fallen

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so we are the proper owners a fistful of any
kind any tax increases

0:04:08.010,0:04:12.179
so the President is up posters

0:04:12.179,0:04:13.489
I know

0:04:13.489,0:04:17.959
it's a good idea to also agrees that the commission's
for the tenth as folders

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that's true

0:04:18.929,0:04:21.600
the devil not right to vote because it's not

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a good idea to keep too many electable holders
in your system

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especially in places like tonight

0:04:30.810,0:04:31.940
so here

0:04:31.940,0:04:36.620
if we look at the source called we see that
the museum has been applied

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even though it looks exactly the same us your

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crystal's him

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for all these reasons you have and that is
that yet

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we go to a local older for example the final
skin proper is that has all the

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main structures of York

0:04:51.919,0:04:55.740
as you know page

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and it's stumbling

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at the end

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of these attacks welcomes a minute design

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I'm going to go uphold of back

0:05:05.879,0:05:08.319
as the fight rages on

0:05:08.319,0:05:13.310
what can we expect

0:05:13.310,0:05:15.550
now you see

0:05:15.550,0:05:19.249
they are working exactly as expected and now
you can get a decent

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the rest of us us

Here are some of my favorite picks from what I supposedly say in the video tutorial:

• The reason is, and voters election or recall, about building with older standard options. Let's go to an impartial panel.
• Under site and schemes it's horrible, setting specific tips and leads and scams are crime figures.
• I'm sad place we changed the final commissions to seven seven seven.
• That is something that needs to be done only in of systems, to let the system let the sierras right in the mainstream.
• Under his skin, skin and hair, so photographs of skinheads crystal. I'm the ski mask is successfully created. Remember to talk to the excerpts.
• First richest state, a quote the pulpit, Houston into our local all over.
• Susan's over you'll be getting, we want to make changes to the skin when you lose uphold files.
• No we're trying to do the the direction, just to show you that is actually not possible, because up Russian whatsoever program owns all falters views on this.
• That's right, we need an additional little the waco fire to get over this issue that isn't specific to our city.
• This isn't something that effects any CNN's or other but software that uses a question to create finds holders existence.
• Obsessive love, as you can see permission to night, his music rooms uphold your changes.
• You can't own just quickly what's called on home loans, tightening the noose us for it, what other you want to have them.
• Take your retirement up closer to ten place, called in actress in your browser — looking — and here you see all voters.
• And that is that one we need to, the moment just to be able to present the permissions on to be able to exert ourselves.
• All right Judy, if your windows users on the window Senator, is that dozens of life? 
• Anyway reiterated that so far and now we're just applauded from our local fallen. So we are the proper owners a fistful of any kind, any tax increases, so the President is up posters.
• The devil not right to vote because it's not a good idea to keep too many electable holders in your system, especially in places like tonight.
• That has all the main structures of York, as you know page, and it's stumbling at the end of these attacks. Welcomes a minute design, I'm going to go uphold of back as the fight rages on.
• What can we expect? Now you see, they are working exactly as expected, and now you can get a decent the rest of us, U.S..

One wonders if publishing any more of these tutorials and having them automatically transcribed will get me on a CIA watchlist! We'll find out in due course I suppose; you now know what probably happened if I disappear suddenly into thin air without a trace.

Mary Had a Little Lamb who Met a Little Troll

Mary had a little lamb,
Little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow!
  

Everywhere that Mary went,
Mary went, Mary went,
Everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go!

It posted on her blog one day,
Blog one day, blog one day,
It posted on her blog one day,
To see what trolls would say!

There was a troll without a name,
Without a name, without a name,
There was a troll without a name,

It danced and sang its song!

And the troll chanted:

"To-day do I bake, to-morrow I brew,
The day after that the new blog comes in;
And oh! I am glad that nobody knew
That the name I am called is Rumpelstiltskin!"

And the lamb interjected:

Nasty troll, I know your name
Know your name, know your name
Nasty troll, I know your name,

I know you have no shame!

I Saw the Walrus

It's been quiet for awfully long. I have even received letters asking if everything's all right. Some have wondered what I've been up to, others have just kicked back and enjoyed the absence.

The questions are many. Inquiring minds want to know. Who is the eggman? Where did the walrus go?

Since time is at a premium these days, I thought it best to prepare the above illustration to explain all that and a bag of chips. I'll try and get back to more verbose writings towards the end of the summer.

Happy days in the meantime. Jaya Blogannatha!

YOU WILL BE ACBSPIMILATED

you will be acbspimilated | resistance is futile
your distinctiveness will be engaged to service us

There's more in common to the Hare Krishnas and the Borg than just the hairdo and the uniform uniform, but that's a topic for another time. Today it's just a picture that tells you the thousand words.

He built a shrine at Radha-kunda...

Someone was kind enough to remember me with a composite photo of myself and what appears to be a shrine I once inhabited. This is actually the toilet bathroom combo of the house I never really lived in. My actual shrine, rented on the roof of the Manipuri temple (where the below photo of me was taken), was a bit under five square meters in size and came with a 30x30 cm window.

For contrast's sake, let's include a recent shot of where I live at these days. Many have wondered whether I ended up living in the stump of an old tree or something. Who would have guessed just how on the mark their guesses were! Actually I do live in the stump of an old tree. (Solar power and wireless net.) Below you can see me emerging for the hollow of the tree to greet the mid-day sun.

I also have a mantra I chant when I stand at the treetop greeting the heavens, an atma-dhyana or self-contemplation of sorts. The pronunciation and the full merit can only really be obtained by native speakers of a Finno-Ugrean language, even if there are a few foreign masters of vowel harmony and agglutinative morphology too. I may prepare a chanting guide with a recording in the future if there's sufficient interest among the readers.

Korpikuusen kannon alla on Mörri-Möykyn kolo.
Siellä on koti ja siellä on peti ja peikolla pehmoinen olo.
Tiu tau tiu tau tili tali tittan sirkat soittaa salolla,
Pikkuiset peikot ne piilossa pysyy kirkkaalla päivän valolla.
Syksyn tullen sieniä kasvaa karhunkankahalla,
Mörri-Möykky se sateessa istuu kärpässienen alla.

The Dangers of Incoherent Internet Usage

Internet forums and blog comments tend to fill with the obscurest possible attempts at verbal communication. Many posts are so indescribably incoherent that they are rarely intelligible even to the architect of the verbal potpourri himself. It's all fun and games they say, yet few understand the very real dangers writing on the internet in an incoherent state of mind can cause to innocent readers.

Be a responsible internet person — consider the potential psychological and physiological injuries your readers may sustain when exposed to your writings. The following flowchart presents a basic five-point-program to help overcome the urge to post in heightened states of incoherence. If you are an incoherent addict, print it out and and study it whenever you feel the urge to post your productions to a website.

Exercise particular attention when posting to a site you are addicted to, as addictions tend to lower the threshold for emotional and irrational responses. A special word of caution is in place for addicts posting under anonymous aliases on sites they've sworn to never participate at again. While self-control and peer support may help some get over their budding addiction, advanced cases of focused iOCD are best left in the hands of trained professionals.

Infidels Against Prabhupada!

"We have organisation, men and money ready for the long fight ahead. As we said before, we will not rest until Srila Prabhupada's movement is returned back to Srila Prabhupada, brick by brick."

— IRM: ISKCON Revival Movement

Butters takes on the cause: Back to Prabhupada! Down with the Infidels!
Background: Ruoholahdenkatu 24, Helsinki — Infidel Headquarters

Religious Leaders Condemn Bad Album Cover (DP)

Dissociated Press
Thursday, Feb 19, 2009
Maui, Hawaii

Following the bold portrayal of a former Hare Krishna devotee as Michael Jackson in a manipulated version of his 1987 album Bad, religious leaders the world over have condemned both the rancid illustration and the anonymous artist involved. Members of International Shiva Council based in Maui, Hawaii, have been rallying the island's popular beaches, handing out matchboxes and print-outs of the said illustration, modified to include the words "death to infidels".

Offending cover contrasted with other contemporary examples of alleged blasphemy.

Sources tell the artist has fled to Denmark and now lives in a burrow on the plains somewhere south of Copenhagen, now a participant in a high-level witness identity protection program of Danish Security Intelligence Service (DSIS). "It was like the Mohammed comic strip episode all over again, only ten times worse," said a representative for the Ministry of Interior, declining to comment on government involvement in the artist's protection.

A representative for International Shiva Council of Latter-day Michael Jacksons (SCLAMJA), a new religious organization who reveres Michael Jackson as the Supreme Personality of Godhead, compared this to the 1967 outrage caused by the cover of Axis: Bold as Love by Jimi Hendrix, in which the musician's face was superimposed to an old Hindu painting depicting the universal form of God. Readers who are not old hippies may also be reminded of the cover of Aerosmith's 1997 album Nine Lives, depicting Krishna dancing atop the many-hooded Kaliya-snake with his head replaced with a cat's.

Michael Jackson, currently visiting the Never-Never Land, was unavailable for comment. A press release from the artist's public relations office notes in a jovial tone that if Mr. Jackson is the Supreme Personality of Godhead, despite the fact that he really wants to be Peter Pan, then surely he wishes for all his little friends to be Supreme Personalities of Godhead too. Or in the now God's own words, "Why can't you share your bed? That's the most loving thing to do, to share your bed with someone." (DP)

Bottom Line: I'm Bad

Are you perhaps trying to prove something to yourself, not to others? Perhaps trying to convince yourself that you're not such a bad person after all? Satisfying your narcissist tendencies?

All of that and a bag of chips for sure! Dedicated to all anonymous internet commentators — the future is yours chaps, procreate and prosper!

Your Butt Is Mine

Gonna Take You Right

Just Show Your Face

In Broad Daylight

I'm Telling You

On How I Feel

Gonna Hurt Your Mind

Don't Shoot To Kill

Come On, Come On,

Lay It On Me All Right...

Because I'm Bad, I'm Bad - Come On

(Bad Bad - Really, Really Bad)

You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad -You Know It

(Bad Bad - Really, Really Bad)

You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad - Come On, You Know

(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)

And The Whole World Has To Answer Right Now

Just To Tell You Once Again,

Who's Bad . . .

East India Company Implicated in Academic Bribery (DP)

Dissociated Press
Monday, Feb 16, 2009
Marburg, Germany

In a surprise news shaking the contemporary academic world, documents found in the archives of the Department of Indology, Marburg University, reveal substantial East India Company sponsorship behind global indological research as recently as 2007.

The company, previously thought to have gone defunct in 1858, is now rumored to be as active as ever in influencing the direction of mainstream indological studies. The documents discovered apparently feature a re-confirmation of an original covenant dating to mid-19th century, signed by Max Müller and Ralph Griffith among others.

Rumors abound over the objectives and supporting forces behind the company. Senior officer for the British Secret Intelligence Service (SIS), who declined to be identified, has confirmed the presence of East India Company representatives in high-level staff meetings on several occasions.

Sources tell that the Queen of England is still bent on exercising her dominion over colonies of past, supporting the systematic campaign of misinformation interpreting old Indic religious texts as mere animistic ritualism. With the renewed funding of the British Empire, the East India Company is rumored to be educating the Indian masses on the Holy Gospel of Christ under the convenient veil of indology. (DP)

Hare Krishna Swami Loses Soul (DP)

Dissociated Press
January 17, 2009
Helsinki, Finland

In an unprecedented "Stay High Forever" temple music festival, Anatma Swami, a fired-up Hare Krishna preacher, lost grip of his wildly whirling monk partner and flew headlong into a larger-than-life copper

replica of the movement founder's lotus feet by an open window.

As the Swami failed to respond to conventional first aid, temple authorities alerted for resident witch doctor Shittiwawa Das, an Indian tantric adept and leading disciple of retired guru Bob Haripada, for help. At the conclusion of a fair fifteen minutes of exotic rattling, popping, muttering, whisking and bouncing, Das concluded the patient's soul had departed in the crash and required urgent re-insertion.

All resident devotees have patrolled downtown Helsinki since yesterday afternoon, the time of the incident, passing out pamphlets urging for the lost soul's founder to return the precious commodity to its rightful owner – in return for the Swami's abundant and perpetual blessings. Sources tell former guru Bob Haripada found his soul in the late 90's with the help of a female therapist.

The soul in question is described as bearing a strong resemblance to 1:10,000th fragment of a male Caucasian hair tip, following the verdict of an ancient Hindu philosophical text. One ten-thousandth part of an average Caucasian tip of hair measures at an average of 0,0075 µm. Temple authorities were not available for comment on distinguishing the Swami's soul from any number of other souls probably lost downtown Helsinki. (DP)

National Enquirer Hare Krishna Edition

NEHKE (National Enquirer - Hare Krishna Edition) was written by an anonymous genius over several years, published around the internet at several forums now long forgotten. A certain scribe collected them so as to preserve good laughs for future generations.

Pagal Baba, fresh back from a tour of the Saturnian moons, had this to say: "The original NEHKE reporter might still be lurking out there somewhere, feeding and gathering strength, waiting for the opportunity to tickle our hysteria one more time..."

Entries are reposted at a rate of one every day as long as they last. And if the original NEHKE reporter is somewhere out there reading all this, I'm an e-mail away and you're free to post the latest news here!

National Enquirer Hare Krishna Edition
http://nehke.blogspot.com/

Protect Space Bunnies - A Call for Arms

Folks at the comments department have been wondering what I'm doing. A general sense of curiosity is in the air particularly on what I am doing right now...

The thing is, as the following grotesque illustration from the Internet demonstrates, evil bitches have set out to exterminate the race of Space Bunnies once and for all. Can anyone with a heart just stand by as our innocent space hare brothers are being persecuted without mercy!

 

A call for arms is hereby issued from the Royal Ministry of Space Bunnies, led by venerable Easter Bunny Jr. Watch for a draft booth in your neighbourhood! Down with the eevil biutches! Hooray!

Bihari Sandwich

The state of Bihar, bordered by two other ancient centers of religion, namely Uttar Pradesh in the west and Nepal in the north, was once a land of culture, learning and prosperity. In contemporary India, it has grown infamous for its crippled human and economic situation, resulting in wide-spread crime and corruption. Regrettably the following joke is politically incorrect.

While in Bodh Gaya, we stopped at a small café-restaurant for a snack — two cheese tomato sandwiches and a bottle of coke. It took a fair half an hour for the sandwiches to come around. Waiting for the meal, we went all philosophical and finally solved the grand riddle:

How many Biharis does it take to make a sandwich, and why does it take so long?

First Bihari takes the order.
Second Bihari checks the order against available ingredients.
Third Bihari goes to steal some toast.
Fourth Bihari goes to steal some tomatos.
Fifth Bihari goes to steal some cheese.
Sixth Bihari goes to steal some butter.
Seventh Bihari makes the sandwich.
Eighth Bihari steals the ready sandwich.
Ninth Bihari apprehends the sandwich thief.
Tenth Bihari begins to beat him up.
Eighth Bihari threatens to call the police.
Sixth and seventh Bihari laugh like never before.
Eighth Bihari bribes tenth Bihari to stop the beating.
Ninth Bihari insists on receiving a commission.
Eleventh Bihari recovers the sandwich and brings it to the counter.
Twelfth Bihari picks it up and serves it to your table.

The entire process takes twelve Biharis and thirty something minutes. The amount and value of ingredients may extend delivery time, as expensive ingredients may attract theft already in the production phase, and therefore lost ingredients need to sometimes be re-stolen before the meal can be completed.

Hot tips for celibating

Back in my days in the Hare Krishna movement and beyond, I learned a handy trick or two from successful celibates (Sanskrit: brahmacari). These particular lessons come from observing a fellow monk who tied up his genitals with straps of cloth with the fury of a grumpy old sailor, the great icon of repressed manhood that he was.

1.

Kaupina is a traditional Hindu ascetic's underwear, generally made of two pieces of cloth, one serving as a belt, the other (fourteen fists long and two palms wide) as the covering flap folded over the front and tied or wrapped in the back. Ascetics who actually know their stuff install a number of protective deities into the cloth prior to wearing it.

Wearing a kaupina is supposed to be the magic masala for celibates, creating an effect called urdhva-retah or upward-flowing semen in accomplished sublimators, leading to heightened levels of spiritual energy and psychic ability. However, it's damn uncomfortable if you're sweating, jogging or under general stress.

The master fix (and people actually pay hundreds of dollars to learn this secret!) is folding the sacred underwear over swimming pants. Yes, just wearing a pair of Speedo swimming pants with a set of kaupinas wrapped tight around will guarantee you years of pleasant celibacy!

2.

Women are also bad and evil and do not deserve to be looked in the eyes, for twinkly female eyes emanate a special radiation that makes the kaupinas go loose and the head spin around. The traditional fix is to turn your gaze to the floor.

However, being a temple president or other such pompous authority figure who needs to constantly deal with women, neck strain and even chronic neck pain can become a very real threats to a well-rounded and comfortable celibate life.

The easy shortcut fix is to simply move your gaze down far enough to keep it safely off the radiating face area. Experienced manager brahmacaris recommend moving the gaze 20-25 cm down from the chin. A pair of breasts, located conveniently in the safe zone, provide a safe visual focal point for a pair of easily agitated celibate eyes.

I have never tested the second tip owing to obvious concerns with possible kaupina issues, but apparently it has been tested and proven. The ladies in the ashrama seemed to be well aware of this evasion strategy. I won't elaborate on lady counter-methods for drawing the gaze back upwards in fear of sounding sexist or politically incorrect.

~~~o-

Since brahmacaris are however technically speaking supposed to digest a whole volley of abuses as education in humility (that helps you celibate), I have not exercised the same caution in this text. If any brahmacari feels offended or otherwise morose, we can perhaps meet and have a friendly chat over a cup of herbal tea, celibating together for a silent moment as a symbol of friendship and goodwill.

Mighty Dangerous

"Your honor, Madhavananda is more dangerous than an inflight movie."

— Mystery Man